I've just been so busy with everything lately, and pledging is taking a toll on my sleep and thus my health and sanity and skin. Plus it's been super hot recently in Stanford - temperatures going into the familiar 30s, and I can't decide if I hate dry heat more or humid heat more. I sweat a little in dry heat, but breathing warm dry air is painful on the nose. Humid heat makes you super sticky, and I can't breathe in humid heat because the air is so muggy, but at least it's not sharp.

Last night after dance class, I downed an entire bottle of water and half of Solomon's Gatorade in one swig, and just had no motivation to do anything except go to Lag Late Night to get a smoothie or cold juice. I was thinking about cold juices the whole time I was dancing, and it didn't help that Katya, our Standard coach, said to think of the follower as a huge watermelon. I would have killed for a cold juicy watermelon.

So after doing like one round of Foxtrot around the room, and seeing that my heart clearly wasn't in it, Solomon and I went to Lag for a smoothie, and sat around talking about nothing in particular until past midnight. And it was just so refreshing to sit around and be with people without an objective in mind - for once I could be around him without training to be the best rookie couple, or preparing for Nationals next year. It's nice to be around people without thinking that I need to complete a task, or have some objective for being around them, which I've lost in the recent days because there's so much to do, and everything I do has to be for some purpose.

Today our new member class for aKDPhi held a philanthropy event - we tabled in White Plaza and got people to write down messages for patients or survivors of breast cancer on squares of origami paper, and then folded them into cranes.

aKDPhi's philanthropy of breast cancer awareness has always been very relevant to me, because many members of my extended family are battling (or have battled at some point) breast cancer, and more generally, cancer of some sort. However, today's event held more significance than that for me. I didn't write a wish today, but if I had, it would have been for my paternal aunt, who recently concluded her battle with breast cancer. Today is the 7th day anniversary of her passing, which is believed to be the day when the spirit of the deceased returns to earth to check on the ones they have left behind.

My paternal aunt was diagnosed with Stage 2 breast cancer somewhen last year, or the year before. To me, back then, it wasn't a big deal, because virtually no one dies from the early stages of breast cancer nowadays. It sucked that she had cancer, but at least she caught it early, I thought, and after a few rounds of chemotherapy all would be well. On the other side of the family, my fifth aunt was dealing with a recurrence of a ten-year-old cancer, which was highly advanced by the time they discovered it; I remember people throwing around words like "4th stage" or "terminal", and I never really knew what was true, and what had just been distorted through a lack of medical knowledge passing through many minds.

When I Skyped home last Thursday, my mum told me that my aunt had been admitted to hospital that day for shortness of breath, and they'd discovered that her cancer had spread and become terminal. The doctor had given her three more years to live, and my mum told me to visit her when I was back for summer break in case I didn't have the chance to again. Stop being so morbid, I told her, three years is a long time. Many things can happen in three years. I'd probably have graduated in three years. Someone might find a cure for cancer in three years.

One day. That's all she had.

To say the family was shocked was quite an understatement - they had just been talking to her up till 9pm last night, and she'd even requested a sketchbook because she was bored in hospital, she said. The next morning, she'd passed away, and the doctors didn't know why. We weren't particularly close, and we never really said much to each other except for greetings and acknowledgements during Chinese New Year, but I remember she would sometimes tell me to try a tasty dish or push it in my direction. It makes me sad that I never got to see her one last time before she got really sick; when I left after winter break she still seemed normal enough. And I didn't get to attend her funeral, or send her off with the rest of the family.

Being overseas has given me plenty of opportunities for personal growth, but it has undeniably impacted my relationships with family. There are some things that the marvels of modern technology cannot overcome - time relentlessly marches on, and things doable from afar in three years are not quite as doable in a day.

It's not just my aunt - there are other things that are slowly slipping away while I'm here, like my grandfather's memories. My mother spoke to him at the funeral, and she said he kept repeating stories from long ago. She asked him if he remembered bringing me to kindergarten when I was younger, and he didn't. I wonder if he still remembers me, and if so, whether he'd recognize the person I am now as the 4-year-old who told him in Chinese, "No, my name is PEIPEI," whenever he spoke to me in Teochew and somehow preferred pronouncing my name with a "w", like "pwei". It seemed like a big deal to me at the time, but now I'd gladly be pweipwei or whatever he chooses to call me as long as he calls me anything at all.

Me: My mum recently told me that if I'm super competitive and will eventually have no friends except for you, because you're super competitive as well. And I guess it's totally true, and I'm really glad you're my partner and we're not competing against each other because I would be scared of you.
Solomon: What? No! I would be scared of YOU, because you would make your partner open promenade into me on the dance floor and kill me.
Me: No! I'm a follow! I don't get to decide when to open promenade! You would probably open promenade YOUR partner into me and I'd die.
Solomon: You were the one who invented our open promenade attack in the first place, because you're evil.
Me: What?? That's total nonsense. I'm pretty sure you invented it! Besides even if I'm evil, I learnt it all from you.
Solomon: No way! You invented it, but I'm going to make sure I open promenade into your partner now.
Me: ...you're still my partner, y'know.
Solomon: Oh. Well, fine, I'll OPEN PROMENADE INTO MYSELF.

Haha I think my mum was right that Solomon and I make a very good dance partnership, but not because we're both evil and competitive. I think it's because we're both evidently full of shit. At this point we have so many inside jokes that people around us think we're crazy, and the truth is we probably are, but that's okay because that's a good partnership! For example today a bunch of us were hanging out and all of a sudden I turned and said to Solomon, "Oh wait! I just remembered! What does your hair smell like?" and he started pulling down his fringe to try to smell it, and I was going to go over to sniff his hair, except we realized that everyone else was giving us Really Odd Looks and Chuan Yu was just like, "okay... we'll leave you to your devices." But that's only because he didn't know the backstory, which was that Solomon bought an extremely girly bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo, which purported to be "Hydra-licious & De-damage boost!" with little hearts around the label, and supposedly smelt like "berry crush". And he actually USED it.

And I guess, also because we're both evil and competitive, but that's not the main point. At least we're not evil and competitive against each other, so we can direct our... energies outwards. Yes :)