Last quarter was pretty dismal healthwise: I actually started term 2 days later because I was fell in Korea, skinned my knee, went to see a GP at the polyclinic, got a severe allergic reaction to the cream the doctor prescribed me without looking at my knee, and then was deemed medically unfit to fly by a more competent doctor. I actually got to fly with wheelchair assistance, which was pretty cool (except that I spent a ton of time stoning during my transit in Hong Kong, because they wheel you from point to point with no midway stopovers for dimsum). And then because of my injury, I couldn't dance, which only made me weaker, and my muscles painstakingly accumulated over the past year slowly withered away :(

Also I put on a ton of weight because once dancers stop dancing, they just pudge out like crazy.

So recently, I've been trying to gain back muscle by working out! And maybe it's just the lack of food talking but I feel so so so happy - I actually look forward to working out now. It's kinda habit forming, and also I feel a sense of achievement when I go jogging with Solomon or go to the gym, and seeing the calories adding up on the machines just makes me happier.

Also, I get to buy a ton of stuff to aid me in my journey towards fitness - I bought cute exercise clothes and I splurged on healthy fruit and foods at Whole Foods, and I'm really excited about them for once. I miss the variety of fruit that I had in Singapore, but the grapes here are pretty much the bomb.

And because I'm trying to get super fit for dance, when eating I no longer have to force myself to finish up all the food for the sake of "not wasting money" - I can leave whatever I can't finish for the sake of "staying in shape". Usually I try to get the remainder to go, but also I've also been consciously trying to order smaller portions, or cook my own food, so that I don't have to feel compelled to finish everything. And that's been amazing for my focus! I didn't food coma as much today, and I've actually felt a lot less sluggish. Haha, I suppose this is what growing old means - you no longer have the metabolism to go through buffets like a tapeworm.

And finally, to cap off my excitement, I've recently discovered myfitnesspal, which basically tracks how many steps I've taken and counts the calories I've lost through walking. And as someone who walks everywhere but doesn't hit the gym often, it's like finding and making use of extra pennies in your pockets :D Today I took a leisurely walk from Castro in Mountain View to Whole Foods to buy great fruit, and it was a 40min walk that easily hit my 10,000 steps goal for the day. Getting healthier by getting healthy! :)

I've finally allowed myself to start watching dance videos again. Now that I'm getting my strength back, I feel like finally I can start working towards the goals I previously had, which is nice and motivational. :)

Experiencing Christmas in a foreign country mostly alone for the first time this year; decided not to go back to Singapore because I needed to focus on job applications and the flight would have been too expensive and I'm trying to save money.

Really stupid decision. Next year, I'll go back - I probably got a lot more done here this year but just the first week and a little bit of this vacation have been so tough that I think on balance, working a little harder next quarter and spending a little more money would have been better. Lots of cooking, buying one's own groceries, and doing all that with the dark cloud of having to Save Money hanging over one's head - that's not been easy for someone who has, admittedly, been rather pampered the past 20 years of her life.

I've had to carry 2 gallon bottles of water back to S's place from the Safeway near his house because we can't drink the tap water and we can't afford to have a filter put in. Back home, I'd reach for the tap to refill my cup because the water in the water pitcher was too warm from just having being boiled. I could buy groceries whenever I wanted to cook because the supermarket was literally across the street from me. Now, S goes to the supermarket once every 3 weeks because 1. we don't have the time, and 2. we don't have the money, and things like that have just been majorly killing me inside. It's the first time I've ever had to really struggle for money - will be taking on 2 research positions to max out the number of hours I can work per week next quarter, while many of my fellow countrymen here on scholarships or with rich parents just focus on having fun experiences with their friends, trying out new clubs, or traveling around the area.

Another thing I've learned is that there are only 2 guaranteed homes in your life - the one that your parents provide for you, and the one that you provide for yourself. School claims to be your home away from home, and then they promptly kick you out of the dorms once the break starts, causing you to have to live out of a suitcase for 3 weeks in a hotel room. Friends may offer you places to be your second home, but it's not really yours until you've earned it, as otherwise you'll always have to move if something crops up. This Christmas, I visited some people who are in their twenties and already in the process of buying their own homes, and I wonder how long it'll take me before I can do that.

On a small side note, all you people complaining about HDB need to shut the fuck up. Do you know how much I'd do to be able to get a house in my twenties? The property market here is painful - prices are driven up super high by all the rich tech startup people and venture capitalists, and there's no place for someone who's just struggling to make it by in a foreign country. All you people who say you want to migrate elsewhere because boo hoo, the train was delayed by 10 minutes today, fucking go. Migrate, and I'd like to see how other countries with trains 1h apart chew you up and spit you out too.

It's funny - I've often heard that expression being used in conjunction with New York City, but it seems like it describes a non-techie in Silicon Valley just as well.

Today, from halfway across the world, I saw someone I once loved come to the end of a significant life journey, and not for the first time, I felt a twinge of sadness that I couldn't be there. After all, I started the journey alongside him, and I do regret a little not being able to be there to see him finish it in person.

Perhaps to say "someone I once loved" is inaccurate. The people we have loved will stay with us forever - it's not that we have fallen out of love with them, but perhaps we just love them differently now. That person told me once, what we have had between us is forever, and back then I naively thought (or rather, made myself think) that he meant we'd be together forever, but now I really see what he meant, and why he was right. History is forever; no matter what it is now, there was always some point in time when then-me loved then-him, and (I like to think) then-him loved then-me.

It's not a case of wanting to start something with him again. I am very happily in a relationship with someone else now. But history doesn't change, and I have been lucky enough to find someone who knows and accepts that history. It's more of a sadness at not being able to see things through - having a large part of my life and relationship with that person being molded by that journey, and not being there to witness the outcome in person. I wonder if, when he looks back on that journey, whether I will feature in it, and to what extent.

Anyway, it's late, and I could just be melancholic because I've spent nearly 3 hours researching for my Econ take-home final without much progress. This time last year, I was thinking about arranging my classes so that I would have finals that would allow me to fly home early for 13 Dec. (In hindsight, this would probably not have been effective anyway because there's no way I could have reached in time for this). But things change, and I hope that no matter what you end up doing, you and I are progressing for the better together, on our own separate paths.

For what it's worth, someone on the other side of the world is proud of you today. Congratulations on your ORD, Jie!