For some reason word has gotten out that I'm now ratchet AF, to the point where even my ex is begging me to fly to London over spring break so I can teach him how to party. I'm obviously not ratchet, I'm still the same old good kid I've always been, though I guess I do go clubbing now - if only because I used to listen to clubbing music when I studied for A-levels so the music just makes me want to... I dunno, apply myself harder to life??
Maybe if I say that with enough conviction enough times, it will come true...
But to clarify, here is a typical Saturday for me:
9:00am: wake up wrapped in a pile of blankets on my friend's air mattress after nearly being squished to death at Temple in SF the night before. Freezing cold.
9:02am: extricates hand, checks phone. Sees email from manager who was also at the club last night.
9:03am: ignores email, goes back to sleep
9:15am: manager pings me, presumably to check whether I'm still alive, but really he just wants me to get working on the email
10:00am: wake up again, attempt to extricate self from blankets and fail miserably. I remember tossing and rolling myself up in the middle of the night because it was so cold, but I swear I must have knotted the blankets around myself or something.
11:00am: finally leave the house for a mixer that was supposed to happen at 11am. My friend is awake and looks like death. We hug each other goodbye and promise to do this again next week.
12:00pm: I roll into the mixer just shy of an hour late. Manager is there, and attempts to talk to me about the email, but I don't actually hear anything because I haven't had anything to eat since 8pm the night before, and there's a buffet of Singaporean food available at the side.
12:05pm: I acquire food and ask the manager to sit down and explain everything again while I ungracefully devour all the food on my plate.
2:00pm: I attempt to mix. I see a bunch of NOC kids and attempt to make friends. They ask me what I do, and I'm like, "Uh, well, um, you see... I do things." My manager thinks this is hilarious, because he knows what I do, which is be some kind of mix of a full time undergrad / masters student / TA / startup person / VC at 2 firms simultaneously.
2:01pm: NOC kid tries to give me a way out and is like, "Are you a student?" Me: "Uh, yes, technically, I guess, but..." Manager is laughing his ass off and I'm pretty sure the NOC kid thinks I have an unsavory side job that pays in dollar bills - stripper or drug dealer. Probably drug dealer since I definitely don't have the body of a stripper.
3:00pm: I am sick of mixing and lock myself in a conference room to finally work on the email my manager sent. I finish that, and finish next week's homework in anticipation of clubbing tonight.
3:15pm: Manager + his cofounders come in, and the youngest cofounder expresses excitement at the idea of clubbing with sorority girls tonight. This is news to me. I'm in what I'm going to wear clubbing tonight, which is skinny jeans and a cute top. I am definitely not sorority-appropriate (i.e. I haven't gone full KDPhi - my false eyelashes are at home, for chrissakes)
7:00pm: I debate leaving the security of my conference room to go clothes shopping, but because I'm kinda slumming at B71, I can't get back in without someone letting me in. No one else is at work on a Saturday evening. I sigh and keep plugging ahead.
10:30pm: I put on my face. I'm ready to go out but everyone else is missing.
11:45pm: People have reached the club. I head out. The line is now around the block, and I tell the bouncer that my friend has a table to cut the line. The table isn't under the manager's name, and he conveniently forgot to tell me, so I'm standing outside looking sad while other sorority girls judge me.
12:00am: Manager comes out to get me, is distracted by a random sorority girl, goes back inside. I'm just like, wtf, and internally swear to mess up his pitch materials.
12:10am: The nice cofounders show up! Now there are 4 of us stuck outside (me, 2 co-founders, + cofounder's Singaporean friend), because the table is still not under his name. They are all calling him and trying to get in and blowing up his phone. I'm still raging and threatening to destroy the pitch deck.
12:15am: Singaporean friend turns out to be a fellow RJ alumnus! We fistbump and are immediately BFFs.
12:16am: He's from class of '83. I'm from the class of '12. We are clubbing together. We stare at each other in abject horror.
12:17am: Manager comes out to get us, but it turns out that the table only has 3 tickets left and there are 4 of us. Youngest cofounder is a good boy and goes outside to talk to the bouncer as told, but is banished to the outside and can't get back in. I try to convince everyone to go to Temple with me instead.
12:25am: Eventually someone pays for an extra ticket and we all get in. The place is crawling with sorority girls who have gone ALL OUT. I look like I have no make up on next to them. I pretty much don't.
12:27am: I attempt to make friends by asking them what sorority they're from. I have no idea what sorority it is - never heard of it. I tell them I'm from KDPhi, and they look me up and down and are like, "oh," and probably think I'm like class of '98 or something.
12:35am: There's a 70 year old Asian dude dressed like my dad clubbing in the VIP section. He has a full head of white hair and is bobbing it up and down aggressively to the beat. He is having waaaaay more fun than I am.
12:40am: I take 3 shots in quick succession because this night already blows. My tolerance is like... one shot per night.
12:45am: Some random dude tries to hug me from behind, and I'm just like hell no, why do 40 year olds keep trying to grab me when I'm at Ruby?! Ew.
1:00am: I'm nearly passed out on the couch, and the bouncers are trying to throw me out. The nice cofounders pick me up and pretend like I'm alive and dancing so the bouncers will leave me alone.
2:00am: The cofounders carry my belligerent ass back to B71 to pick up my stuff, and then back to their place where they give me water and let me crash on their couch. I have thrown up like 4 times in the meantime, and am alternating between weeping that I'm going to die, and to tell my parents that I love them and I'm sorry; and cursing at the manager for leaving me outside in the cold, and yelling that he can get random ass sorority chicks to do his bitchwork now.
2:01am: I discover that the youngest cofounder is not actually the youngest, just the youngest-looking. He's 36. I am terrible at judging ages. How is this possible?? I literally thought he was 28.
2:02am: Too much to process. I fall asleep.
5:00am: I wake up and realize it's sunrise, and I'm miraculously not hungover, because the nice cofounders forcefed me some anti-hangover supplements the night before. I text Jie and am generally incoherent.
10:00am: I wake up for real this time, and apologize profusely to the cofounders whose couch I crashed on, and promise to be at their beck and call for all bitchwork in future. They laugh and put me in an Uber home to Palo Alto.
10:30am: Manager pings me to check if I'm alive. There is more work to do. No rest for the wicked.
